mixed

I am now out from the house, aimless, hopeless, directionless :(



raining day, alone in the car. at a hypermarket parking lot. I am just blank. no cry. no smile. sad.

suppose to go for a talk - a children-picture-book reading talk. thought of learning better way to help children love reading in effective ways.




recall what royee complaining about I always go out not staying at home.. my heart is broken.


I didn't go out for fun. Friday night I went out to the bookstore to buy material for my sewing project, then go supermarket to buy some home grocery. saturday I only out to trim my hair and angel's hair, then afternoon I bring angel to her ballet class.



so I decided to stay at home tonight I let bbb see me at home. just be there for them, and sing to make them sleep. what children want is very simple. what we need to give is - time. thus, I asked laogong to go for the talk, since he likes to read too. since he is the father to my bbb, children education he needs to pay part too.

at 1st laogong was ok. then not ok, then we quarrel for nothing. then I being quiet he gets angry... my grandma and auntie staying overnight at my house suddenly, so many adults at home, I don't want to make movie in front of them. the more I stay silent, the more laogong talk louder.

I just out from the house. thought of forget about the stupid laogong :( and go for the talk. while driving, royee's words floating in my mind 'who are you going out with again?! always go out, not a single day you are at home!' frankly, my heart is broken I am so sad so regret so sorry, but I just don't know how should I do. 'mummy going out for a talk'. my mum helping royee wash the smelly head.. why I can't be with my son even on weekend? why my gals can say worried of forget about me coz I always come back home late?

is the talk so important? the initial intention to go to this talk is because of my children. besides, I am not having extra money to pay for the fee but not going for the talk. but driving in the middle of the road with the rain pouring down.. I just feel lost! I miss my children, I miss to share my feeling with my sis, I want to yell t my laogong loudly from my deep frustration, I just want to be home with my children!

19:01 the talk has been started I guess. am still in the car. the rain has stopped. but my feeling is still so mixed. am tired. tired of explaining how tired I am to laogong when he thought only he alone is the busyman for the family. I work, I take care gals, I take care my parents my siblings too. I really hope, children grow up faster, they have ability to take care of me, and with their love to me, then we all travel around te world together.